September 26, 2017: a day of reflection
Welcome to a moment frozen in time. This letter captures the raw emotions and shifting perspectives from a significant day in my journey. It's a window into the trials and tribulations, a shared experience for anyone navigating the complexities of a narcissistic relationship.
The weight of a memory
Dear Calvin,
The reason for this letter is because part of me is terrified to know the answer to my question. The other part of me is terrified that I will never get a straight answer from you. So please, Baby, do your best to be honest with not just me, but yourself as well. So here is my question. Do you still feel the same way about me as you did back in April? Cause I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. I'm not feeling very much love coming from you these days. You used to call me every day on your break, and text me how beautiful you thought I was. I looked forward to those texts from you. You used to hold me after we made love. God! You used to hold me so tight, it would hurt. But it was a good hurt. For the first time in my life I felt safe and secure when I would fall asleep. You used to get your feelings hurt when you thought I didn't want to make love to you. Now I feel like you wouldn't mind going a day or two without making love. You used to apologize after an argument with me; the last couple of arguments we have had have been more horrible than ever, and you haven't been the least bit sorry. The other day, when I suggested us having a threesome with a stranger to ease my insecurity that I wasn't satisfying you sexually, you didn't even bat an eyelash before saying okay to the idea. It wasn' t meant to be a trick question. I'm not angry that you said okay, just a little hurt I guess. You told me when we first hooked up that all you wanted ever again, was me. I've given you every piece of me that I could give to you. I feel like I'm being played for a fool when it comes to you being faithful to me. I don't even think you tell people (girls), that you and I are together. You still talk to girls like you're single and ready to mingle. My point in all of this is this. I love you, very much. And no one that I have ever known or cared about, has ever made me as happy as you do. And I believe that you love me as well, as much as you're capable of loving someone. But truth be told Calvin, I get on your nerves and I seem to piss you off a lot lately. You are always questioning my whereabouts to the point that now you have me doing the same to you. I hate it. If you don't want to be with me anymore, I really hope that you have the decency to tell me. You are not stuck here with me. I don't want you to feel guilty about your feelings, but I do want your honesty. Please.
A turning point in perspective
This day was a pivotal one because it marked a shift in my perspective. Up until then, I had been grappling with the constant cycle of gaslighting and manipulation, always trying to understand what I was doing wrong. On September 26, 2017, however, a tiny, yet powerful, seed of realization began to sprout. I started to question not my own worth, but the nature of the relationship itself. It was the beginning of seeing the reality of the situation, rather than the distorted version presented to me.
Finding strength in shared understanding
The main idea I want people to take from this letter is one of recognition and validation. If you've ever felt that crushing silence, that internal questioning, or that slow dawning of truth within a narcissistic relationship, then you are not alone. This letter is a testament to the quiet battles fought within, and the profound changes that can emerge from confronting difficult realities. It's about finding the courage to see things as they are and beginning the journey toward healing and self-preservation.
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